Corrosive

Even you don't know my fears,
Sometimes I don't.
I try to hide them from myself,
But they just eat
Eat
EAT
On my insides,
Begging my attention,
Boiling in my acidic blood,
Screaming in my ears,
My mind,
I'm growing numb to my surroundings,
Dissolving into my own background,
Yet it still
Eats,
Burning holes in my heart,
The soles of my shoes
Wearing thin as I try to run from it
Only to return
Again.

Desire

Above the keyboard are hands,
Working hands, trying to create something beautiful.
They can feel out the words,
But they cannot hear or see.

Above those hands are arms,
That can hold,
But they cannot see either.

Looking at you,
You are not just something beautiful.
You are beautiful, inside, outside,
Even if you can't see,
Even if you can't hear,
Or touch
Or smell
Or taste,
Your heart can.

And create something beautiful.

How are you?

If we were more like ourselves
How long could we keep up this act?
Dodging each other,
Only saying meaningless "Hellos"
And questions,
Never pausing to stop and actually
Think,
Feel,
Take the time to know someone,
Who they truly are,
Deep down,
And then
Pause.

So they know that they aren't the only one there.

Rantings (Which I Never Speak)

You don't know.

You can't understand my pain,

You simply can't.

Why?

You say I have the perfect life--

From the outside, I guess I do,

No.

You cannot understand how everyday of my life I am

Scolded because

Parents are stressed out with finance,

People,

Me--

Especially me.

You don't know the pain of watching your cute,

Sweet,

Little brother-- autistic--

Struggle through school with "friends" who act like fiends.

You have never heard the heartbreaking sound

When his anxiety grows and he cries out

In his own pain:

"Why? Why do I have autism? Why can't I do it?

I'm so dumb I'm so dumb

I'm

So

Dumb!"

And then Mom and Dad are over there,

Their own tired selves,

Trying unsuccessfully to comfort him.

You don't know the pain of an older sister,

Beautiful,

Talented,

Everything you feel you lack in,

Fall into the wrong crowd,

Now contemplating suicide.

You loved her the whole time,

Even through all her hate and addiction.

And you don't know the pain of family ignoring you,

Like they did me--

Like I didn't get enough at school,

Never being able to tell friends from fakes,

So biting my tongue and putting on a foolish, lying smile for just one more day--

One more day.

But there is no one to lie to--

There is none here left to ask questions,

Even the simple ones like

"How are you?"

Red

Its hard to give up
On a love
That was never yours.

Bleeding

I felt the impact of
Jumping into the unknown cavern of
Trust,
Not knowing how hard
And broken it would be.

Lost

My voice was a silent scream in the wind.