Corrosive

Even you don't know my fears,
Sometimes I don't.
I try to hide them from myself,
But they just eat
Eat
EAT
On my insides,
Begging my attention,
Boiling in my acidic blood,
Screaming in my ears,
My mind,
I'm growing numb to my surroundings,
Dissolving into my own background,
Yet it still
Eats,
Burning holes in my heart,
The soles of my shoes
Wearing thin as I try to run from it
Only to return
Again.

Desire

Above the keyboard are hands,
Working hands, trying to create something beautiful.
They can feel out the words,
But they cannot hear or see.

Above those hands are arms,
That can hold,
But they cannot see either.

Looking at you,
You are not just something beautiful.
You are beautiful, inside, outside,
Even if you can't see,
Even if you can't hear,
Or touch
Or smell
Or taste,
Your heart can.

And create something beautiful.

How are you?

If we were more like ourselves
How long could we keep up this act?
Dodging each other,
Only saying meaningless "Hellos"
And questions,
Never pausing to stop and actually
Think,
Feel,
Take the time to know someone,
Who they truly are,
Deep down,
And then
Pause.

So they know that they aren't the only one there.

Rantings (Which I Never Speak)

You don't know.

You can't understand my pain,

You simply can't.

Why?

You say I have the perfect life--

From the outside, I guess I do,

No.

You cannot understand how everyday of my life I am

Scolded because

Parents are stressed out with finance,

People,

Me--

Especially me.

You don't know the pain of watching your cute,

Sweet,

Little brother-- autistic--

Struggle through school with "friends" who act like fiends.

You have never heard the heartbreaking sound

When his anxiety grows and he cries out

In his own pain:

"Why? Why do I have autism? Why can't I do it?

I'm so dumb I'm so dumb

I'm

So

Dumb!"

And then Mom and Dad are over there,

Their own tired selves,

Trying unsuccessfully to comfort him.

You don't know the pain of an older sister,

Beautiful,

Talented,

Everything you feel you lack in,

Fall into the wrong crowd,

Now contemplating suicide.

You loved her the whole time,

Even through all her hate and addiction.

And you don't know the pain of family ignoring you,

Like they did me--

Like I didn't get enough at school,

Never being able to tell friends from fakes,

So biting my tongue and putting on a foolish, lying smile for just one more day--

One more day.

But there is no one to lie to--

There is none here left to ask questions,

Even the simple ones like

"How are you?"

Red

Its hard to give up
On a love
That was never yours.

Bleeding

I felt the impact of
Jumping into the unknown cavern of
Trust,
Not knowing how hard
And broken it would be.

Lost

My voice was a silent scream in the wind.

Words

If I were a word yesterday,
They would be about
"Pain"
or
"Lost."
Feeling "trapped" in a 
World who knows how to "punish" the
"Weak."
I would see how I have gone "unseen" and
"Ignored" by the ones who "hate" me best.
But that was "yesterday."

If I were a word today,
It would simply be
"Happy."

Sky

He told her he was the sky,
That he owned the stars,
And the sun, his eye.
She laughed,
Smiling at his ocean eyes,
And knew that he was truthful.

Now she looks up and sees the face
Of the one she first loved.

Keine

It still hurts when I think of your name.

Falling

It hurts.
Pain,
It's ice cold and devours.
Frigid hands grip,
Clinging to the edge of the cliff,
Not knowing how long they can hang on.
Hot tears burn their way down clammy cheeks and
Through the soul.
Knowing that falling was eminent to fall--
Why was it caused by
Trust--
Trying--
Now it comes to a short and sudden
End.
The silence-- Life now,
It ticks by,
Painstakingly
Slow,
But faster than the rest. I feel my grip slip...

Abuse

Hate dripped down from his words,
His eyes,
They bore into the soul,
Painfully,
Frostbite to her heart.

Yet she also fought with daggers,
Her sharp tongue flashing the blades,
Cutting him and
Defending
Her chilly soul.

As things turned worse,
Physical weapons appeared,
And the child watched,
Their child watched as
The husband beat the wife
And the wife beat the husband.
The child dares not to make a noise,
Fearing punishment.

The child has already lost the ability to cry.

Alphabet

Always I try to lead,
But my feet drag like lead,
Coming to my knees to pray,
Don't always keep the hunters from their prey.
Everything is falling, yet I will be okay,
For I know that sometimes
God calms the child, not the storm.
Hours of my time--
I wish it was our time...
Just wait for me, the dead weight is
Killing me, dragging me
Lower than it ever has before.
Minutes tick by,
No one sees me as I bid goodbye,
Only a minute problem though.
Perhaps I am invisible,
Queer, or
Rude,
Someday I may be better,
Though I know no one can buy me.
Unlimited is what I am,
Value cannot be placed on any one's soul.
Wounds will heal,
Xanthous sunshine will brighten the world,
Yet again at peace,
Zealous in the celebration of life.

Absence

I miss you.

Not in the physical kind of way,
You are still here--
I can reach out and touch you.

But things are different now.
Now all I do is
Drag
Drag
Drag behind you,
You even forgot I was here.

We use to talk,
Walking to our classes,
Sometimes passing them,
Lost,
Not physically,
But in deep conversations,
Where our words were equals,
Even if we weren't.

Now we hardly say "hello,"
Sitting next to you,
Your presence is comforting,
Your silence is not.
Being near you makes me miss you more.

Do you ever miss me too?

Torment

Wisps

Of words

Drift down slowly as

She sits,

Invisible and forgotten.

Huddled,

As the world caves down on her.

Even though no one notices her,

They all point,

Stare,

And scorn.

An outcast,

Not knowing the reason why

They talk about how

"Dangerous"

She is.

Rumors and gossip spread like wildfire,

Burning her the worst,

Third degree burns to the soul.

They never realized how

Close to the edge

They pushed,

Until she jumped,

And put out the fire forever. 

Demon

"Please."

She choked the word out,
Stammering,
Tears dripping down her face,
Streaking her makeup down her face.
Pleading,
Crying.

But.
Her cries landed on deaf ears,
The words sliding off of his turned head.
Just like Lucifer,
The name he had before was misleading.

Prince,
He once was.
Now he is a servant--
A servant to the lowest serpent.

Broken (Caoimhín)

How long ago
Did you list your priorities?

The small ones,
Like me.
Forgotten at the bottom of the list.

I do understand.
I am only a reflection,
Without purpose,
Sucking the attention of those around me,
The ones that worry about
Insignificant things.

And stop lying.

You have let go of me,
You haven't let go of the words
Or past.

But of course you let go,
You could barely hold on to
Your own sanity.

I can only hold myself accountable to the crushing feeling I have now.

Glass Angel

It rolled down the stairs...
                thump,

                         Thump,

                                  THUMP

Gaining momentum until it crashed at the bottom.

It was glass.

They should have known, 

They should have felt the crystal, its fragility,

Evidently they didn't care.

They never did,

Did they?

The scattered remnants were left on the pavement

To sparkle in the sun.
Even though it was broken,

It was beautiful to passersby.

Sometimes I wonder...

                                    ...Are people the same way?

Winter

Sing a song like a lullaby,
Flowers dancing round and round,
Across a glassy lake,
The Frost Prince is battling with
The Daisy Duke again.
Around and around their quarrel continues,
Feet stomping,
Words flailing,
The Flowers taking twists and turns,
Keeping in time with the rhythm.
The ice cracks,
The shatter breaks
The glass into knives within the words,
With Daisy Duke glancing right,
And Frost Prince glancing left,
The Flowers shrink, are cut, and fall.

The Flowers die again.

Hate

They only want to understand
What life would be like
If It didn't exist.

Only to ignore if you are near.

Only to pretend to be nice
When they are only waiting for the time you
Turn around,
So they can take their poisoned knife
And slide it into your heart
From behind.

Tell the others,
Why is it that
When all is said and done,
That you will be the one that's gone.

Rain

Drip

               Drip                    Drop
                                  D
                             R       R
                         O                I
                     P                         P
                                  J

... I wish I had an umbrella...

Cast Off

I've been waiting for you to rescue me,

My tears keep coming,

No one there to catch them.

I thought you were here,

But you must have left an hour ago.

A day ago?

A week ago?

My knees are weak,

My sweating hands pulling

Hard on my ballgown,

I step hastily away

As my heartbreak claims

Another year away.