Rantings (Which I Never Speak)

You don't know.

You can't understand my pain,

You simply can't.

Why?

You say I have the perfect life--

From the outside, I guess I do,

No.

You cannot understand how everyday of my life I am

Scolded because

Parents are stressed out with finance,

People,

Me--

Especially me.

You don't know the pain of watching your cute,

Sweet,

Little brother-- autistic--

Struggle through school with "friends" who act like fiends.

You have never heard the heartbreaking sound

When his anxiety grows and he cries out

In his own pain:

"Why? Why do I have autism? Why can't I do it?

I'm so dumb I'm so dumb

I'm

So

Dumb!"

And then Mom and Dad are over there,

Their own tired selves,

Trying unsuccessfully to comfort him.

You don't know the pain of an older sister,

Beautiful,

Talented,

Everything you feel you lack in,

Fall into the wrong crowd,

Now contemplating suicide.

You loved her the whole time,

Even through all her hate and addiction.

And you don't know the pain of family ignoring you,

Like they did me--

Like I didn't get enough at school,

Never being able to tell friends from fakes,

So biting my tongue and putting on a foolish, lying smile for just one more day--

One more day.

But there is no one to lie to--

There is none here left to ask questions,

Even the simple ones like

"How are you?"